with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be
one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of
- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more
closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious
day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire
at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron."
- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)
is a venereal disease. Its primary stage is called virtue; its
secondary stage, boredom; its tertiary stage, syphilis."
- Karl Kraus (1874-1936)
folks I know, Ive been singing the Blues since Red Tuesday.
Yes indeed, Brothers & Sisters, Lovers & Sinners, I got
dem Dem-dumb Blue State Blues... Ill get over it. Im
essentially optimistic. But let me tell you: When Im Blue,
I dont need some red-faced Red State redneck, who voted
for the nastiest gaggle of chickenhawk war criminals and crony-nesting
thieves ever to perch upon the Executive Branch, lecturing me
about "moral values." Nor do I need any lily-livered,
"Time for Healing," down-n-defeated Dems trying to turn
my deep Blue Values purple with acquiescence, or render them vomit
green with a dollop of cowardly yellow.
in both Red and Blue States
have taken refuge in bloviating
upon the importance of Moral Values
in politics. As if the phrase
"honest politician" is anything
but an oxymoron.
of cowardly lions, hey Cowboy King George: Nows the time
to hop on your horse and ride through town, spending all that
political capital you claim you earned! Whats the matter,
Georgy, 'fraid of horses?
daring to question the "mandate" of their horse-fearing
Moral Leader, American pundits in both Red and Blue States have
taken refuge in bloviating upon the importance of Moral Values
in politics. As if the phrase "honest politician" is
anything but an oxymoron. Though this is not about honesty, of
course. Honesty is only a Red Issue when you're talking about
a Democrat, and it has something to do with sex.
it seem that Red State Moral Values have anything to do with torturing,
raping or killing innocent people. As the pundits never tire of
telling us, one in five American voters (obviously, a small minority
of Americans) cited "moral values" as a major issue,
and eight out of 10 of these Solomonic adjudicators voted for
a President who, independent studies had just revealed, had summarily,
and quite merrily executed over 100,000 men, women and children
(mostly the latter) upon invading the wrong country in his terrorist
War on Terror. And that's just a count for the first year.
who cares about counting dead people? Not General Tommy Franks
who says, "We dont do body counts." Even if we
did, Barbara Bush (the Matriarch Medusa, not the cute Yalie half
of the Bush Twins) doesnt want to "waste my beautiful
mind on something like... body bags and deaths and how many and
when..." Nor does moral Red America, who much prefers counting
sexual sins, in which any kind of sex - outside of married, monogamous,
missionary position intercourse with the lights out, for procreation
only - counts against you, if youre caught. And thats
a big IF.
who cares about
counting dead people?
Not General Tommy Franks who says, "We dont do body
Even if we did, Barbara Bush
doesnt want to "waste my beautiful
mind on something like...
body bags and deaths and
how many and when..."
As a Blue
State sex therapist who counsels a lot of Red State clients, I
know that more than a few exurbs-full of these pink-cheeked moralizers
are screwing their neighbors' wives, as well as their neighbors'
sons, not to mention their sheep, in between voting-as-sacrament
for the horse-phobic cowboy with the trigger-happy soul. And no,
I won't name names.
their trusted Mother Confessor in private, the Red Statists spare
no effort in excoriating my profession in public. Typical Madonna/Whore
complex, I suppose, but it's getting medieval. In the World According
to the Red States, sex therapists, educators, entertainers and
other Americans like me (especially those of us who reside in
the azure-Blue State of California) are more dangerous than Osama,
Saddam, John Kerry or even Hillary Clinton.
supreme assurance of the ignorant, they assert our lack of values.
Correct me if Im wrong (and please, no anthrax or horse
poop in my email), but
as far as I can see, Red State Values come down to the 10 A's:
anti-abortion, anti-female, anti-secular, anti-science, anti-environment,
anti-poor-people, anti-gay, anti-art, anti-porn & anti-sex
(aka abstinence only). Now
excuse me for not helping with the "healing" here, but
these are some sorry, terrorized excuses for values. Any political
compromise that bows down to these values is as immoral and irrational
as saying your candidate would be "better and smarter"
at conducting Dubyas depraved War on Iraq.
far as I can see, Red State Values
come down to the 10 A's:
anti-gay, anti-art, anti-porn &
anti-sex (aka abstinence only).
To hear the
pundits tell it, one could assume that Americans who dont
genuflect to the 10 As have no values (or value) at all.
Its just Red Values and Blue Flipflops. Its true that
many Democrats dont seem to know which end is up these days,
which is one reason their candidate could barely inspire the mammoth
Anybody But Bush (ABB) vote. Just imagine if he really had represented
Blue Values. We actually might have "Licked Bush, Beat Dick" and
taken the bastards out.
So what about
Blue Values? What about good old-fashioned Jeffersonian, radical-liberal,
democratic (with a small d), progressive, populist, personal,
Constitution-enshrined, science-based, heartfelt, sexual values?
Yes, SEXUAL. After all, VALUES is code for SEX, isnt it?
Or is it WAR? Well, it depends on the color of your glasses...
So let me
bring these colors into focus, Brothers & Sisters, Lovers
& Sinners, at least as I see them. And remember: Im
a sex therapist, so dont be shocked if my values turn you
following is a personal, free-associated list, not necessarily
in order of importance, and not necessarily representing YOUR
When I talk
about Blue Values...
talking about the values of the Enlightenment, and not the Apocalypse;
talking about the value of Hot Love, and not Perma-War;
about the values of the U.S. Constitution, and not the Bible,
the Koran, the Bhagavad Gita, The Book of Thoth, or the Gospels
According to Anybody;
talking about the value of lust, and not greed;
talking about the value of explosive orgasms, and not exploding
talking about the value of bare beauty, and not naked aggression;
talking about the value of pussy juice and lube, and not our blood
for their oil;
talking about the value of hard dicks, and not hardnosed dickheads;
talking about the value of "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit
of Happiness," and not "God, Guns and Gay-Bashing";
talking about the value of Ethical Hedonism, and not Unethical
talking about the value of dildos and vibrators, and not cruise
missiles and killing machines;
talking about the value of intelligent erotica and smokin' BLUE
movies, and not Mels Christian death porn or U.S. military
snuff films showing the village greens of Iraq running RED with
talking about the value of the Bonobo Way, and not acting like
talking about the value of masturbation, and not occupation;
talking about the value of consensual BDSM games, and not colonial-style
talking about the value of people in bed with their lovers, and
not TV news shows "embedded" with the government;
talking about the value of science, innovation, open-mindedness
and courage, and not superstition, creationism, bigotry and fear;
talking about the value of governance based upon sweet reason,
thrift and compassion, and not religious hysteria, acid-induced
ecstasy, or even the rose-colored glasses of love;
talking about the value of sexual connection, and not gender competition;
talking about the value of good wine and good weed, and not jamming
more than two million Americans in prison, many for victimless
talking about the value of blue skies and a clean environment,
and not red skies radiating pollution;
talking about the value of sex research and education, and not
enforced sexual stupidity;
talking about the value of marriage, and not banning "certain
people" from getting married;
talking about the value of helping those less fortunate, and not
blaming the poor for being poor;
talking about the value of stem cell research, and not valuing
the so-called "rights" of the unborn over the living
plenty more values I could talk about... though I don't want to
get too preachy (hehe). But speaking of abortion, let me indulge
my Blues State Blues for just a moment here, since being "pro-life"
is being touted, in hushed tones, as the #1 Moral Values Issue
rallying the Red State "values voters."
Empire needed slaves.
At its height, about 20 percent of the
Roman Empire's subjects were slaves.
When fewer women bore
unwanted children that they had to
sell into slavery, many Roman systems
(like the military) started to falter.
Thats when the Roman government
stepped in to outlaw abortion.
wondered why Corporate America supports the Religious Rights
war on womens reproductive freedom. I mean, what do all
these rich folks get out of forcing all these poor women - even
raped women - to have kids they dont want to have? Of course,
they dont help these reluctant moms raise their unwanted
kids; on the contrary, they take away their aid. It's not possible
that all these corporate fat cats who support the rabid anti-abortionites
are just sadists (though as a therapist, I happen to know that
more than a few of them are). There has to be a solid, practical
I just didn't
get it. Then Kelpie Wilson reminded me to look to history, specifically
Ancient Rome, so often compared to modern America. Abortion was
very popular in Rome and throughout the ancient world. It was
neither immoral nor illegal. Unwanted children were a problem
then as they are now. Many families sold their "extra"
kids into slavery. Was abortion less moral than selling ones
own child into brutal slavery? You decide.
us that more and more Roman women decided in favor of abortion,
as well as contraception. They enjoyed their sex, those Romans.
But as the Imperial Empire spread and the Imperial economy slowed,
they stopped having large families they couldnt afford.
Thus the Roman slave population was drastically reduced. What
was practical and moral for Roman women and their
families became an obstacle for the Empire.
Empire needed slaves. At its height, about 20 percent of the Roman
Empire's subjects were slaves. When fewer women bore unwanted
children that they had to sell into slavery, many Roman systems
(like the military) started to falter. Thats when the Roman
government stepped in to outlaw abortion, as well as some forms
of contraception. Lawmakers
forced women, especially poor women, to bear unwanted children,
precisely because they wanted these women to sell these same children
into slavery to the state - and at a cheap price. Is that what
the Reds mean by "value"?
American Evangelicals, despite the fact that their movement made
its name by being avid "abolitionists" instrumental
in awakening the nation to the evils of slavery before the Civil
War, dont see it this way. But the fact is that all empires
need slaves. They need militaries filled with poor young people
who have virtually no other options. Of course, we dont
call them "slaves" here in modern America. We call them
the Volunteer Army.
a young poor person is enticed to enlist to "be all they
can be," then sent to Iraq to do Dubyas dirty work
and die, thats slavery. So: when women have the right to
abortion and contraception, they produce fewer slaves. They tend
to match the size of their families to the resources available,
to Mother Nature. They do not breed for the states slave
army naturally; that sort of breeding tends to be forced upon
Nazis also criminalized abortion. I know, its not very
sporting to utter the N-word in the wake of Kerrys defeat
and the desire of the jubilating Reds and certain obsequious Blues
for "healing." But theres no doubt that Hermann
and Adolf rode the wave of Red Values (Rote Werte!), just like
Karl and George II. In both Nazi Germany and Bush's America, a
militant, political Protestantism was and is used to try to destroy
"evil" and dominate the world.
women have the right to
abortion and contraception,
they produce fewer slaves.
They tend to match the size of their
families to the resources available,
to Mother Nature. They do not breed
for the states slave army naturally.
the Nazis didn't ultimately succeed, and neither will the Bushites.
But our Blue Values place us rather close in spirit to the academies
and theaters of Weimar Berlin that flourished in the 1920s, and
look what happened to them when the German Christian Brownshirts
stormed in to "clean" up the town.
scary enough to make us Blue Staters spend hours drawing and redrawing
maps featuring the United States of Canada, with a short front
"leg" reaching into the Northeast and a longer hind
leg picking up the Pacific. We Californians are threatening secession,
and only half-joking when we do. Were the beautiful, blue-eyed,
battered wife, beaten black-and-blue by the redneck husband with
a pistol under his pillow. Beaten and belittled! So enough already,
we want a divorce!
To add insult to injury, this battered wife here is paying the
bills. That is, almost every one of the Blue States, led by California,
sends more tax dollars to Washington than Washington sends back
to us, meaning we hedonistic but hardworking Blues are subsidizing
our Red church-hugging counterparts (so ignorant they can't support
themselves), even as they slap us around, spend our hard-earned
money on stupid wars and other extravagances, and call us sluts
and whores and bitches.
If a woman
like California asked me for advice on what to do about a husband
like, say, Mississippi, Id counsel her to "Cut your
losses and leave, honey." And I must say, its tempting.
But I think I'll give it another year. Ever the optimist, I see
a silver-blue lining in Electile Dysfunction 04. It has
made me, and many Blue Staters like me, stand just a little taller
for our true Blue Values then we did during the height of the
election season when the ABB mantra effectively shut us up. Im
true Blue, and I stand by my Blue Values with as much passion
and conviction as Red Staters believe that the Virgin Birth was
a fact of life, and Dubya is an honest man
And I believe
that Jesus is on my side; after all, wasnt his "best
friend" Mary Magdalene? Mohammed, too; that harem thing isnt
so bad if the women are bi and like each other.
and Sisters, Lovers and Sinners, we are all Children of Sex. We
may or may not be Children of God, but no matter what color our
state, no matter whom we vote for or whether our votes are counted
or stolen, or whether were of the majority of Americans
that dont bother to vote at all, no matter how many people
we kill or liberate or touch or heal, no matter whom we hate or
how much we love, we are ALL Children of SEX. Praise the Lord
and the Lady.
Now we true
Blues just need a few sexy, smart, media-friendly candidates to
represent our values. Let's start a Blue Party! Let's mount our
horses, and battle on, as indecent insurgents in our own land,
doing what we can to protect our Enlightenment-inspired Constitution
and hard-won political and sexual freedoms. Let us ride like Paul
Revere, and sing out to the world that not all Americans are Red
with love for the murderous policies of George W. Bush. Let us
conspire, preach, protest, party and inform. And let us not take
up arms (except in self-defense or the defense of our loved ones),
for that is against our values.
our rights is another matter. Let us cultivate the friendship
of lawyers and/or sue for our rights in pro per. Actually, I sued
the LAPD in pro per for infringement of my 4th amendment rights
last year, and negotiated a very good financial settlement, as
well as reached a more respectful understanding (more on that
later). And let us fight - in the courts and in the media, in
the streets and in the cornfields, in the boardrooms and in the
bedrooms, in the churches and in the strip clubs - for what we
believe. And let us continue to do so with pleasure, compassion,
art and lots of lube, because these are things we value.
Can I hear
an Amen? Can I hear an Awomen? All right then, Brothers &
Sisters, Lovers & Sinners, I want you to roll up your sleeves
and pull down your pants! Theres lots of work and play to
be done, and less and less freedom to do it.
Dr. Suzy: This column was extrapolated from my monologue "Bottoms
Up For Blue Values," broadcast live on November 6, 2004 on The
Dr. Susan Block Show.
Write Me! Send me your tired, your poor, your hate mail, love
letters, commentary, photos, questions and confessions at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Block is a sex educator, cultural commentator, host of The Dr.
Susan Block Show and author of The 10 Commandments of Pleasure.
Visit her website at http://www.drsusanblock.com
Read other articles by Dr Susan Block (click on the balls)
Family Values Means Family First And Screw The Community
It Always Rains In California: All About Female Ejaculation
Springtime For Sex And God
The bigO Can Be Yours
Bush's P.O.W. Porn